5 Tips to Help You Make Hard Decisions, According to Experts

Articles

Jun 11

Try these strategies when you're caught in the middle and don't know what to do.

BY LIZZ SCHUMER Jun 7, 2022

If you’re feeling stuck lately, you’re not alone. Many of us are struggling to figure out the smallest things (What should we have for dinner? Should we go to that concert this weekend?) or even begin to tackle the big stuff (What’s my next career move? Should we have kids? Am I going to get married?). Over the last couple of years, a massive amount of stress and uncertainty has resulted in a high level of decision fatigue, or difficulty making moves both large and small.

A 2021 survey conducted by The Harris Poll on behalf of the American Psychological Association found that almost one-third of adults (32%) said sometimes they’re so stressed about the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic that they struggle to make basic decisions, with Millennials faring the worst at 48%. And the impact stretches from the day-to-day and beyond. More than one-third said it has been more stressful to make day-to-day decisions (36%) and major life decisions (35%) compared with before the pandemic. And slightly more than three in five people (61%) said the last couple of years has made them rethink how they’re living their lives. This bears out especially for parents and people of color, whose lives have been disproportionately upended over the past few years.

The good news is, there’s a reason why making decisions feels especially hard right now, and expert strategies to make the path forward a little clearer, no matter where you’re looking to go.

Why we’re struggling with decision-making

There’s a neurological reason so many of us are struggling right now. The brain is a muscle, and just like our biceps and glutes, it gets fatigued after lots of exercise. “When we are facing stress, especially when it's prolonged chronic stress, it drains our mental resources,” explains Dr. Rebecca Jackson, a certified cognitive specialist for Brain Balance. “Change takes mental engagement to do things differently. And these past two-plus years have been constantly navigating change.”

That incessant barrage of calculations means our brains have fewer resources to support executive functions that get strengthened over time, chief among them the ability to make decisions. “It's why we expect teenagers to be more prone to making bad decisions because they have less mature networks and pathways and those executive functions,” Jackson adds. “Our brains are functioning sort of like teens’, having a harder time making decisions, plans and focusing.”

If you’re someone who also has a hard time staying focused or managing your emotions and mood due to ADHD, anxiety or depression or other mental health concerns, Jackson notes that this decision fatigue is likely to hit you even harder.

Not all decisions are created equal

Of course, we can’t get away from making choices in life. But there’s a difference between picking a type of cereal in the morning and a new career path. Realizing what kind of decision you’re facing makes a difference in how you approach it, points out Russ Roberts, economist and author of Wild Problems. “I make a distinction between a puzzle and a mystery,” he explains. “Puzzles tend to have solutions, and that’s very comforting. There’s a certainty behind them. But a mystery, like do I want to change my career, or move, those don’t have clear-cut answers.” One of the first steps to solving these mysteries, or “wild problems,” as Roberts calls them, is recognizing that uncertainty is uncomfortable and then embracing that feeling.

That doesn’t come naturally to most people, so latching on to what you can control often helps. And that, according to certified life coach and author Anita Kanti, is our own choices. Even if we don’t know what decisions we want to make, realizing that we have agency in our own lives can be empowering. The next step is realizing that all of our choices are influenced by factors both within and outside ourselves. Kanti tells her clients to keep the three S’s in mind when they’re facing a difficult decision.

The first is state of mind: our current attitude toward the change we’re facing. There really is power in positive thinking.
Next is situation. Lots of factors, like who else depends on you, your educational background, economic situation and even geographic and cultural context will influence how you think about change.
Finally, there’s status. How far along are you on your path toward making a choice or reaching a goal?

Take a B.R.A.V.E. approach

One way of mapping out decisions that Kanti teaches her clients is the B.R.A.V.E. paradigm. First is a term called “benevolief” that Kanti coined to mean a benevolent belief. “If we're going to maximize our potential, we must begin by believing that we can, and not get held hostage to our limiting beliefs,” she explains. The Little Engine that Could, in other words, was onto something. Next is readiness. Recognize that you’ve got a change to make and try to determine what you need to make it. Then there’s alignment. Realize all of the situational factors that play into the decision at hand and how they might impact the path ahead. That’s followed by vision, or imagining what the path toward the decision might look like. Finally, there’s engagement: Actually taking those steps toward the decision you’ve made.

“My brave system provides a roadmap,” Kanti explains. For example, someone trying to decide whether they should move to a new city should first believe they’re capable of thriving in a new place (benevolief); think about the steps it would take to make the jump (readiness); figure out who or what else will be impacted by the change, like family members, career and finances (alignment); try to picture what living in a new city would feel like (vision) and then finally, if all of that seems right, start working toward the move (engagement).

Cut yourself some slack

Even if you have a process in place to make a decision, many of us end up feeling paralyzed by the gravity of making a big leap. But as both Roberts and Jackson point out, very few choices are really final. “Think of your life as a work of art rather than a puzzle to be assembled,” Roberts advises. “Some of that is recognizing that there’s not as much at stake as maybe as you might think there is.”

It's OK to feel exhausted and stressed.

It’s also helpful to understand what’s going on in your brain and your body when you’re having a hard time making that tough call. “It's okay to feel exhausted and drained and stressed,” Jackson says. “That’s our brain’s way of communicating with us to say, ‘Hey, I'm waving a flag, trying to get your attention, trying to tell you what you need.’”

Getting some sleep, eating a snack or meal that contains healthy fats and protein and taking an exercise break will all help with decision fatigue, Jackson notes. But another important element, especially when it comes to high-stakes decisions, is letting your brain off its leash for a bit. In our constantly-connected world, most people are consuming content pretty much all the time. Many of us scroll through our phones during commercial breaks and at stoplights, listen to podcasts in the shower and when we exercise and even fall asleep to the TV on low. But all of that stimulation keeps our brains from making those connections that help support decision-making.

“We process our past and our future and our experiences during what I call free-range thinking,” Jackson explains. “Picture it just like your brain scanning your horizon. Your thoughts are going to ping all over the place and that's a good thing. It's how you plan for the future and make connections from events in your past.”

Some of the best ways to engage that free-range thinking are activities that let your brain relax and roam. Going for a drive or a walk without the radio on, taking a shower or sweating it out can all help enable those valuable connections.

Time it out more intentionally

If you’ve ever found yourself standing in front of the fridge in a daze at the end of a hard workday, you already know that timing matters when it comes to decision-making. Jackson recommends structuring your day so you can make bigger decisions first thing, when you naturally have more mental bandwidth. “As the brain runs out of reserves and resources, we drop down into lower-functioning brain networks,” Jackson explains. “That means functioning in the moment and having a hard time thinking and planning ahead.”

If you can, start off your day with the items that need your full decision-making power instead of tackling the easy tasks first and working up to the more taxing ones. While that’s the opposite of how most people structure their day (who wants to dive right in with the tough stuff?), it does let you dedicate more of your brain to what really matters.

Then, don’t sweat the small stuff. Rather than agonizing over smaller choices that don’t have long-term consequences, Jackson advises us to, “recognize if you're having a hard time making a decision, understand why and then realize sometimes there's not a right and a wrong answer, so you need to just move on.”

When in doubt, write it out

Brains aren’t meant to multitask, even though our society celebrates it. Sitting and focusing on something in peace, Roberts notes, whether that’s reading a contemplative book or listening to a meditative podcast, journaling, taking a walk or talking to a friend or family member, can calm your brain enough to focus on the decision at hand. Jackson also likes what she calls “going breathless,” or doing a few jumping jacks, lunges or other heart-pumping exercise to refresh and refocus. Finally, writing it out can help get your brain out of that stress loop that big changes can lock us into.

“Our brain is going to rehearse and repeat,” Jackson says. “Especially when we're stressed, we get stuck in a negative feedback loop.” Not only does writing it down help get the stress out of your head and onto the page, it also signals to your brain that it can stop ruminating on the issue. Free-writing helps some people come to decisions, as does constructing a pros-cons list. That said, Roberts cautions that writing out pros and cons isn’t particularly helpful for decisions that have more difficult-to-predict results, like marriage and having kids. Leave the pros and cons for issues that are more straightforward.

Embrace self-awareness

As with any difficult obstacle, looking inward can be key to solving it. Finding out who you are and what you want to be, Roberts advises, is an important element of deciding what path to take. In Wild Problems, he notes that in a world where streaming services tell us what to watch next and delivery services can design our meals for us, we’re out of practice deciding for ourselves. But the challenge inherent in big decisions is the beauty of it all.

While the pandemic has made decision-making harder for many of us, it’s also forced us to take stock of the big picture. “Most great art comes from constraints of various kinds. And COVID was a kind of constraint for most of us,” Roberts notes. “It forced us to face our own mortality, which is a very powerful aspect of self-awareness. People are trying to decide what they learn from it. And one of the things we can learn is change is maybe not as bad as we thought.”

If you have anxiety or despression, you may need to speak with a mental health professional. You can find help and learn more about anxiety by visiting the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

Anita Kanti