What We Can Learn From Bachelor Matt James's Season, According to Experts
What We Can Learn From Bachelor Matt James's Season, According to Experts
Relationship experts weigh in.
The finale for Matt James' Bachelor season has aired, and for reasons unlike any previous franchise ending before, the theme of his season was centered, rather pointedly, on racism and foundational relationship values. On Monday, viewers saw Matt James, Bachelor Season 25, deliver his final rose to graphic designer Rachael Kirkconnell, ending his relationship with runner-up and teacher Michelle Young. However, James and Kirkconnell's time together was short-lived.
Though Rachael has addressed the scandal and apologized, even more controversy was incited when franchise host Chris Harrison defended the finalist in February. "This moment has sparked critical conversation and reporting, raised important questions, and resulted in inspiring displays of solidarity from The Bachelor nation," James responded in a statement. "It has also pushed me to reevaluate and process what my experience on The Bachelor represents, not just for me, but for all of the contestants of color, especially the Black contestants of this season and seasons past, and for you, the viewers at home… My greatest prayer is that this is an inflection point that results in real institutional change for the better."
Following the season finale, James elaborated on his sentiments surrounding the split. "Any time I'm in a relationship with somebody, it's because marriage is the ultimate goal. And, when you find out things like I did, that deters you from the ultimate goal because, [as] I stated during After the Final Rose, there are just things that you might not understand what it means to be with someone like me."
Given Matt James and Rachael Kirkconnell's split, numerous experts are now weighing in on why foundational issues matter most in a relationship. "Everyone has a hard time predicting what the future holds in their relationship. One reason is we focus on what we hope will happen, rather than what is most likely to happen," explains behavioral and relationship expert Dr. Gary Lewandowski. "We think with our hearts rather than our head. However, as psychologists are fond of saying: 'The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.' People are reluctant to change. In Matt's case, his partner's past behaviors also run contrary to his identity, something he is also unlikely to change." Below, more experts weigh in on foundational values and how to identify them in a partner.
What Are Foundational Values?
Influenced by geography, family, culture, friends and even education, foundational values are formed over years of relational interaction and shaped generally by exposure. As you and your partner are ever-evolving, your values are often core to who you are despite external, evolving circumstances. Some relationship values listed by experts include respect, responsibility, loyalty, honesty, dependability and more.
"Our family provides us with our roots, and serves as a model for how we approach our romantic relationships as adults," elaborates Dr. Lewandowski, author of Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots that Undermine Your Relationship… And How to See Past Them. "We also choose our friends because they're a lot like us. The result is that our family and friends' beliefs are often the same as our own. Over short periods of time, we may be able to stifle expressing those values. But over longer periods of time, that becomes increasingly difficult. Differences in foundational values are a recipe for constant conflict."
"Our environment, under which we were formally raised, sets our core foundation, whether we accept it or otherwise," says relationship coach Anita Kanti of Anita K Solutions, a clinical psychologist and author of Behaving Bravely.
In the case of Matt and Rachael, their belief systems were already altered, opening a schism of differences to navigate ahead. "I believe there is a foundational disconnect here that will most likely creep up on the pair in the long-term," suggests Maria Sullivan, vice president of Dating.com. "The show could've distracted [Matt] from some of the clear red flags that [viewers] have picked up on… [and] it could've been easier for her to brush certain undesirable aspects about her beliefs under the rug. Until the cameras were gone. It may not even be his fault that he's missing certain signs. Ultimately, when in the everyday swing of things, that's when the couple will determine whether or not these differences will turn out to be irreconcilable."
How to Prioritize Foundational Values With Your Partner
Most relationships won't play out over a few months of reality television, allowing couples to prioritize their values privately. Whether you're engaged, married or single, foundational values are worth exploring within yourself and within your relationship.
"The values you look for in a partner should be the same ones you look for in a best friend," explains Dr. Lewandowski. "It should be someone who you like as a person, you can trust, and enjoy spending time with. This person cares about what's best for you, shares many of your interests, is fun, and is someone with whom you're comfortable being yourself." Here's how to deduce and seek out shared values with your partner.
Talk It Out
As experts say, communication is key. "The solution is to talk things out. Ask about their views on marriage, kids, parenting, handling money, dealing with family obligations, and expectations from a romantic partner," says Dr. Lewandowski. "It's easier said than done because the number one taboo topic in relationships is (ironically and somewhat tragically) the relationship itself. People fear 'the relationship talk' because it can result in finding out information that threatens the relationship. It's a Catch-22."
Ways to broach the topic include asking direct questions or sharing ideal hypothetical relationship scenarios. You could also observe another relationship and go from there. "Open and honest communication in relationships is crucial, so being upfront about any concerns and how you feel is best," notes Dr. Lewandowski.
See Where You Align
Once you open up the conversation, validating your priorities and seeing where you overlap are the next steps. "For example, if your family is your top priority, validating that with your current or future partner will need to be stressed regarding your dedicated commitment," says Kanti. "Values need to be prioritized in your life to avoid misunderstandings leading to unhappiness. Being authentic and in tune with your values is vital because it determines what means most to you."
Identify Any Areas of Friction
While there are times to agree to disagree, differences stemming from foundational values are blatantly a different issue. "Friction early on can indicate misalignment of values. As much as we're all on our best behavior early in relationships, our values are hard to hide," adds Dr. Lewandowski. "You have to look for potential differences, which is difficult. Early in relationships, we're flooded with the excitement and passion of falling in love. It doesn't leave a lot of room for critically evaluating what seems like minor issues. However, research shows that the problems that eventually lead a couple to divorce have been present in the relationship since the beginning."
In Matt and Rachael's case, the sheer emotions of filming may have concealed opportunities to dig deeper. "If you have any questions about a person's beliefs in any way, shape or form, what you need to do is be upfront and clear about it," says Sullivan. "It is so important to take this seriously before settling into any long-term commitment to ensure your partner is able to fulfill your emotional and foundational needs."
Some Values Are Irreconcilable
"A person who celebrates something that you believe is undeniably wrong is a clear sign," adds Sullivan. "It's one Matt likely would have picked up on if in a more authentic, 'everyday' setting." When there are stark differences in values in a relationship, couples often hold firm to what they believe. This, then, could result in eventual arguments.
"The friction you feel is your inability to sway from your own beliefs, and it's something you need to listen to in order to feel fulfilled in your own life," notes Sullivan. "When this feeling comes up in a relationship, take the time to understand what topic or action of your partners may have caused it. Anything that you feel that strongly about needs to be shared or respected by your partner for it to last."
Matt James' Bachelor season is available for streaming on Hulu. In place of Chris Harrison, former NFL player and the creator of Uncomfortable Conversations With A Black Man, Emmanuel Acho, hosted the event. Acho's questions were lauded for being thoughtfully crafted and direct.
